Sunday, 31 May 2009 13:59 Last Updated on Sunday, 31 May 2009 22:27 Written by Janet Caliri

SELF-COMPASSION (from "Me with Me" Chapter II)

Compassion is the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and a strong desire to relieve it. In bringing my personal experience to my coaching, I realize that self compassion is critical in healing illness, especially depression.  I am opening up a very different approach to the issue of depression. In this book, I deal mainly with aspects of the milder or chronic forms of depression. The techniques described here are not considered in any way a replacement for professional treatment for a serious psychological condition. However, my discussed techniques may help avoid the recurrence of depression after coming out of the funk.  When I think I am being compassionate with others, it  doesn't necessarily mean that I am being compassionate with myself. Self‐compassion is where it all starts; when Self‐compassion provides focus on my greatness, which, in turn, increases productivity, confidence, joy and creative infusions. It moves me forward, feeling free rather than stalled. I am now ready to be of service. I feel whole when I am of service to myself and others.

The act of self‐compassion includes being still with my emotions and stymied thoughts for a sufficient amount of time in order to own them and nix the overload of beating myself up. It is a tender way to own my truth without falling in a 30‐foot hole in the ground, feeling like I'll never come out. That, by the way, is my definition of depression.

Here are some examples of mean self‐talk turned into compassionate self‐talk:

Mean: "No! No! You deserve this financial rut, you jerk! You messed up your money management again!"

Compassionate: "Calm down. Breathe. I generated twice as much income this year than last year."

Mean: "You can't even stay on track with your exercise for two weeks straight!"

Compassionate: "Hey, I'm human and fall off track. The good news is that I can easily get back on track one step at a time starting today."

Mean: "You shouldn't have gossiped with Alex! Argghh! Why? Why?"

Compassionate: "I'm asking Alex to support me in keeping my conversations constructive from now on."

Mean: "You don't deserve to be rich or live where you want to or to have a boyfriend. Get your act together, and then maybe, just maybe, you'll get what you desire."

Compassionate: "I deserve to have the best life I know possible."

Three steps toward self-compassion

Step 1: Ho'oponopono (an ancient problem‐solving art from the Hawaiian culture, which teaches that life, in fact, can be easy; to make right or to rectify an error by connecting with divinity). Repeat silently over and over: "I'm sorry. Please forgive me (for whatever is going on inside of me that is causing this). I love you. Thank you."

Step 2: Story * Poof! * Action!  When I am concocting a negative story about myself, I instantly dissolve it ("You can go now!") and take a simple form of action with something I love to do, such as watering my plants, looking at photos or singing a song. This method is ideal to use at the workplace.

Step 3: Stream‐of‐consciousness writing (uninhibited writing with pen or pencil). When I have completed this (usually one to three pages), I then write what I love most about myself and how I positively impact others.

Taking a good look

When I am harsh with myself, I am usually harsh with others. I project my self‐punishment onto them. There is a fine line between self‐discipline and self‐torture. While I am a fan of self‐discipline, honing my skills, refining my approach to life and taking a good look, it does not mean I have to beat myself up along the way. That is where I think many people get confused; I know I was. I thought that "taking a good look" meant making myself wrong, punishing myself over and over, swimming in guilt and shame and feeling unworthy of good for forever . . . and a day. ∞